Welcome and Happy Trigger-Versary

Welcome to my blog. I don’t expect anyone to read or see this but I want this to be a place where I can share my thoughts, my struggles, my failings, and maybe even love and encourage a few people along the way.

Today is a rather interesting day. October 13th. One year ago today, I began Chemo and Radiation for my cancer. This was my second bout of cancer in 2020. The first bout of cancer resulted in surgery and then the doctors telling me they got it all and I was cancer-free.

The second bout? Not as fortunate. First, I had a more serious surgery, resulting in the removal of over 70 lymph nodes from my neck and 25 staples to close the wound. It also required a very aggressive treatment plan consisting of 7 Chemo sessions and 35 radiation sessions. I was in stage 4 cancer.

Part of me wants to reflect on this day, and be thankful to God for bringing me here to this place a year later. I didn’t know if I would be here today. In fact, there were many times I didn’t think I would make it. I know it was for the grace of God that I am here.

That said, today serves as a bit of a trigger as well. It’s not just a trigger day for me. It is for my wife as well. You see, today may remind us that God is good and I am here, even though I may not deserve it. However, today is also a reminder of what we went through. It reminds me of all the pain (physical and emotional) that I had to endure. I did my best not to show any weakness – but I was scared and in so much pain. Each day now, is a reminder of all the pain I went through.

For my wife, each day is a painful reminder that she could lose her husband. Each memory feels like a vision of what’s to come. It’s a reminder of her being a single mom to 2 young boys – all alone.

As Christians, we are supposed to be bold. We are supposed to cling to the good God does, like getting me through cancer and bringing in a whole community of support through Twitter – Canucks and Hockey Twitter especially, as well as such incredible support from my family, extended family, church family, and many connected to people from each of those groups. This was a such a huge blessing and I am grateful to be alive because of it.

I just can’t shake this emptiness though. I can’t shake re-living the torrents of my cancer journey. I know, in the end, I am stronger for it. I appreciate life so much more. I love more deeply – without limits. I have an ability to love anyone – something I’ve always dreamed of. For some reason, though, the emptiness and pain remain.

As the title of my blog indicates – this is me. This is my faith – in pieces. No matter what, my faith will remain. I will never be perfect, but I will try to love everyone and continue to be grateful for all the support and love I have received. It will be my way of re-paying (as best I can) all the amazing supporters I have.

Love you all!!